'Officer Rimmer' by Doug Naylor

Out in Starbug, Lister, Rimmer, Cat and Kryten detect a deep space explorer ship from the Twenty-Fourth Century under threat from an approaching asteroid field. Aboard the vessel, the S.S. Nautilus, a copy of Captain Edward Herring is bio-printed from synthi-cells to deal with the emergency, but a paper jam causes his face to be partially printed on the top of his head, and he is unable to use his ship’s controls. When Rimmer learns that the Nautilus’ cargo is veranium - which if hit by an asteroid will wipe out the entire area, including Starbug and him - he fires a mining torpedo at the stricken vessel, hoping to destroy it before it comes in range. To everyone’s amazement, the torpedo ricochets off an asteroid and takes out one of the Nautilus’ engines, pushing it out of harm’s way, and Captain Herring is so impressed with Rimmer’s ‘plan’ that he instantly promotes him from Second Technician to Officer. An overjoyed Rimmer returns to Red Dwarf with his stunned comrades, and begins preparations for the arrival of the Nautilus so that Captain Herring can make his promotion official. His first acts are to open an Officer’s Club for himself, reclassify Lister’s favourite television channels to officers-only, and to segregate the lifts and corridors into ‘Officers’ and ‘Grunts’. Captain Herring comes aboard Red Dwarf and promotes Rimmer to First Lieutenant; however, before Lister can reveal the truth behind Rimmer’s cowardly actions, the bio-printed officer’s lifespan ends and he folds to the floor – literally. Rimmer’s power goes to his head, and he orders Kryten to use the bio-printer to print out all Nautilius crewmembers lower in rank to him, so they can join him in his club. While Lister and Cat try to find an officer higher in rank to Rimmer who can demote him, Kryten is surprised to learn that Lister’s genome is in the Nautilius’ genome database too; Lister admits that he sold it when he was a kid (for $£100s and half a packet of fags), so Kryten explains that thousands of different companies have been using copies of him as they like, including in all the annoying call centres he has ever been put through. After Kryten ‘doesn’t show’ Lister how to delete the database, Rimmer order the mechanoid to use DNA samples from his possessions to create a crew of Rimmers. Lister and Cat crash the Officer’s Club and find their worst nightmare: Rimmer officers, Rimmer waiters, and even a Rimmer barbershop quartet. Fuming at the unwanted guests, Rimmer orders Kryten to reprogramme the bio-printer to create bigger copies of ‘bouncer’ Rimmers; unfortunately, the printer gets another paper-jam and creates a hideous, conjoined mass of Rimmers, which immediately goes on a killing spree, absorbing all the Rimmer copies into itself. Having tracked the Rimmer-monster’s progress over CCTV, Lister, Cat and Kryten refuse to let Rimmer escape into the ‘Grunt’ corridor unless he resigns his post; the cowardly Rimmer is reluctantly forced to comply, and he is allowed to get to safety – until Lister decides to use him as bait for the monster. Lister’s plan nearly works, but as the sole-surviving Rimmer lures the Rimmer-monster into a corridor he is suddenly sealed in with the creature, his comrades unable to shoot it without hitting him (it’s only a small snag). Luckily Lister is able to trick the Rimmer-monster into writing a ‘To Do’ list, distracting it long enough for him and the gang to blow it to smeg with their bazookoids…


Chris Barrie (Arnold J. Rimmer), Craig Charles (Dave Lister), Danny John-Jules (Cat), Robert Llewellyn (Kryten), Stephen Critchlow (Captain Herring), Penelope Freeman (Lifts [Voice] / Gosh Lady), Daniel Barker (Croquet Commentator)

Directed by Doug Naylor

Produced by Richard Naylor and Kerry Waddell
Executive producers Simon Lupton, Henry Normal and Doug Naylor
Co-produced by Baby Cow Productions and Grant Naylon Productions for Dave / UKTV

TX: (Dave)
13th October 2016 @ 9:00 pm

Notes:
*Featuring Dave Lister, many Arnold Rimmers, Cat and Kryten

*Although this epsiode was scheduled for television broadcast on the 13th October 2016, it was released a week earlier for 'on demand' audiences via the UKTV Play platform